WRITING AND PARENTING LESSONS FROM A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR BY TULLAN HOLMQVIST
Interviewing techniques that work on government officials and nine-year-olds alike
Becoming a mom was a giant leap into the unknown for me, a bit like finding my way in a new country. But life invites us to embrace every moment, even the difficult ones, as an opportunity to learn and grow. As Leonardo da Vinci wrote: “Learning is the only thing the mind never exhausts, never fears, and never regrets.”
Although my children, now 9 and 13, are no longer toddlers, I am still grappling with this ever-changing role as a parent. Through continuous trial and error in writing, work, and raising children, I look to incorporate the different aspects of my life instead of separating them. This is how I’ve managed to glean so much from life’s lessons in the midst of the chaotic beauty of being a mom.
In my work as a private investigator and writer, I must be alert and present in order to focus and figure out complex puzzles, ranging from international fraud cases, lost art, and executive background searches. I have taken some of the strategies I use in my work (and teach in a seminar called “Think Like an Investigator”) and adapted them for broader use for writers, moms, and everything in between.
Here are a few tricks and tips that I’ve learned along the way:
Listen
My children teach me so much about life, love, and being present. I listen carefully to them. I listen to words, body language, but also more subtle cues. I encourage them to listen to their own inner voices. I am still working on listening to mine. I sometimes feel like a gardener tending to the most precious plants so that they can bloom.
Ask Questions
A good question is often more important than a good answer. Life is more interesting that way. When my kids were in the “Why? Why? Why?” phase, I would often ask them in response: “Well, why do you think that dogs run around each other in that funny way?” or “What do you think Darth Vader really wants?” They often realize they don’t need an answer, they just needed to figure out a way to think about the question. Curiosity inspires good writing.
Play
My kids and I play a game called “What Happened Here?” when we see something unusual. It is a playful version of the scenarios that I use in my work when I need to figure out what could have happened in a fraud case, or where a lost painting might have disappeared to. It’s also helpful for mapping the next plot point in a story.
Mirror
This is an interviewing technique that works as well on my nine-year-old as it does on high-level government officials (and my husband). Listen carefully, and when the other person is finished, repeat their last few words back to them. They will often magically open up and keep talking afterward. It is used in both FBI negotiations and psychotherapy. The key is to be genuinely interested.
Change Tactics
When my kids are sad or have a meltdown, I try to swiftly change tactics or the mood of the room. Sometimes breaking out in a silly song and dance will get them out of their negative spiral. Sometimes just being there quietly, allowing them time to stomp it out, works better. In my work, I use more subtle changes like a shift in tone, energy, or placing a character in a new situation.
Change Scenery
Similar to changing tactics, another interviewing technique is to move the questioning to some place new. Often the best question-and-answer sessions are not seated across from each other in the interrogation room, but walking side by side on the way to school, or in the kitchen, or at bedtime. Kids (and adults) open up when they feel comfortable. Sometimes just switching rooms or going outside for a quick run around in the park will completely alter my kids’ mood. Mine too. A quick scene change is especially helpful if you’re stuck on a piece of writing.
Alone Time
Meditate, run, read a book, or just sit. I still have to fight hard to steal a few minutes here and there to do something just for myself, but I am always happier when I do. I need it. And everyone around me benefits too.
Head to the Park
I love trees and flowing water. As a Swede, I grew up being outside in nature as much as possible. Living in Manhattan, Central Park has been a safe haven, where I can be with my kids, connect with mother earth, and other human beings. There is a sense of solidarity having a child in tow and strolling through the park. I often swap stories with other moms. It satisfies a primal need to connect with others.